Being Alive to Life

 

Photo by Sikiliza follow on instagram @msikiliza

It may sound very cliché to say that this moment feels very poignant, but alas it is true. 

I find myself more and more taking a new route to unknown destinations …while this unfolding feels right, it is still rather unsettling.

A new form of adulting sets in that offers more room to part ways from attachments I have grown accustomed to over time…things, ideas, people…so many ways in which I clung was so unquestionably entrenched in my psyche, it was hard to pry them apart and separate them from my sense of self …

I have been internally busy as I reclaim me once more… and with that has come a necessary major surgery of sorts…

In my personal life I am quieter, a lot less inclined to respond to everything, every time or be available all the time. 

I say no much more and that has been so liberating! I am much more open to surprises that spontaneity offers…

I grit my teeth much less as I endure ceding control,  embracing change and gently walking through uncertainty. 

I take news good or bad and slowly draw out my processing time. 

I am much slower. 

I surprise myself and others more nowadays by my responses or lack of them… all of them undergo a bit more percolating. 

I am at peace the palpable decline of my body as age, genetics and time sets in and determines aspects of my health and well-ness. 

I en-joy more… 

My time is occupied more by things that mean a lot to me.

I acknowledge the worrier part of me and negotiate for time to accept and face my anxieties rather than suppressing this part of myself. 

I am more at peace with limboing and unresolvedness…

I am less inclined to be concerned with external opinions-good or bad. 

I stop keeping count of anything if it brings me misery.

I am growing accustomed to discomfort and awkwardness. 

I am learning that I can love, care and keep my distance. 

I am less tight fisted with my creations and ideas… after all, there were not mine in the first place but generous and unending gifts from the creative energies of the universe…

I am at my most peaceful now when letting go of ideas, things and people because I did not do so lightly or easily but as a necessary part of life and fostering equanimity…

All these things manifesting around me see me crossing rather than burning bridges. 

Across the other side has me being more observant than anything. 

It has offered a luxurious gift of noiseless, space, pause and a moment to catch my breath perhaps even flex tired tense body and spirit muscles. 

This metamorphosis is not linear and it not easy and I am paying a great cost…that said,  life is so much more lighter. 

I have always wondered at the possibility of being in constant awe of the miracle that is life without its reverie paralysing us from living…

How can we value and appreciate life without being engulfed in our own experience of it? 

I find myself increasingly choosing to embody gratitude each time life spews out lessons.. painful or otherwise…this way the hugs and hits have much more meaning attached to them. 

And it is in these instances that I find myself really feeling my most alive.