Daring to Live…

Lately, I realise that the notion of aliveness has been an ambient theme drifting around my orbit for the longest time. Now more than ever, this theme plays a more prominent role in my every day as it influences the relationships I care the most about.  

Each day I arise, I do my best to be truly present in the moment… for my existence to reflect in my work and play and to keep myself devoted to the people and causes that mean so much to me. 

I attempt to master the art of aliveness by remaining rooted and grounded. But alas, how do you uphold your footing when the ground underneath keeps constantly shifting? 

As I seek balance and harmony, I realise I need to cast my anchor from within. So, over time, with a lot of ongoing patience, I am discovering ways to reconnect with my inner feet that keep me upright, light and nimble.

This journey of self-discovery and compassionate introspection has expanded my questions and responses to life. 

But eish, those lessons did not come quickly or, dare I say, willingly. 

It took contending with two significant shadows  in my life to spur on my ongoing re-education: fear and pain:

Fear: 

Fear is such a skilful masquerade, don't you think?? 

It has this way of manifesting itself in so many ways we often fail to recognise it for what it is. 

What a life-changing revelation it could be if we had the presence of mind for pause and reflect to see that underneath so many of sometimes careless words and actions lurks fear that pushes our buttons into reactivity. Those who may find their lives governed by fear may come off as loud, brash or belligerent voices, war-mongering, bullying, unnecessary bashing and harshness. Fear is also known to also make some feel small inside. And as a result walls are built to put up an armour for protection. Others who find themselves diminished by fear shrink or reject whole or parts of themselves, their dreams or desires to survive or fit in. Either way, whichever way fear impresses itself in our lives, if left unchecked, it may deprive us of ‘feeling enough’, making real connections and being open, curious and ready to take on whatever life brings (good or bad).  It took everything for me to find the courage to face rather than evade my fears. You cannot understand something you fear.  

Pain: 

When it comes to pain, be it physical or emotional, how can one experience anything other than its overwhelming intensity? 

Understanding pain and accurately interpreting its messages and cues takes a different kind of agility.  It took so much to start to recondition and keep learning to work with pain…in many ways this involved harnessing my pain and letting go of it as well.

Letting go….two simple words, but my my, what a big deal this one is!

Some of the things I am interested in letting go of include: 

✿letting go of holding patterns of attachments to old pain and built-up resentments and weaponise them as ammunition to confront rather than live life harmoniously. In this new order, I am discovering the lightness that comes with forgiveness (self and others) and the hopeful prospects of encountering freedom and joy… 

✽letting go and unravel the ways unattended pain pushes me to denigration, unkindness, shame, deflection and hatred of myself and others…the antidote I seek is healing and balming my pain rather than suppressing or ignoring it.  Silent suffering will not save me. And, wanting more than just to survive but to thrive and flourish in the world keeps me going. I find it useful to tap into old and new wisdom to process, heal and renew my relationship with my body and mind.

✽ letting go of my unprocessed pain by reviewing and revising my relationship with pain. I realise now more than ever that there is no escaping pain and suffering because it is part and parcel of my human experience. But what revitalises me is to know that my relationship with pain could be different… If I so wish, I could choose how I walk through life despite and because of the pain I encounter. 

As you can imagine this is a complicated journey…I feel like I have taken a million steps, but when I look around, the world remains its usual volatile self. 

So what is different?

Well, I remain devoted, loving and true. However, perhaps what is distinctly different now is that I am serving and tending to myself first and then being of better service to my nearest and dearest. 

But it is clear that the days of lighting oneself as a torch to bring light to others at a tremendous personal cost have to come to an end. 

Life has a funny way of teaching lessons, but in the end it's always about the ebb and flow…getting lost and found in the thick of things…  much like letting yourself drift off to sea to explore and find your way back to the shore to regroup. Helpful tools and skills are necessary to make this aliveness journey successful - a resilient vessel, solid anchor, sky, compass and map reading tools and skills are essential. These resources are everything. 

Please, find yours.