I choose, I live and then I die

the self, 2017


It is true I admit that I occupy wide spaces literally and figuratively. I cannot deny the zeal in which I love and long to be loved. It is no surprise that because of this intensity, often I can only be taken in small doses. But, do not conflate my bluntness for arrogance. It is just that over the decades you unlearn windiness and relearn to crisply say what you mean and feel. And that does comes with a calm confidence over time.

Perhaps it is also being more introspective about the way life plays its hand in your space. It allows me to see me and myself in all the experiences I have had; good, bad and downright messy. I saw and continue to feel and acknowledge these experiences and lessons that life throws my way.

Some of the things are not easy to tease to the surface - still raw and festering; some of the things are a joy to piece together and others I feel deep contrition. But these glimpses of me and mine are never going to limit the little time I have in this life. They will not shackle, cage or contain me, of that I am unapologetically sure about.

Having acknowledged this, I choose to love every day. And I choose love every single conscious day I wake up. I choose large cantankerous love... full of stupefying headiness... I choose the kind of love that is explosive and expressive in my private and public spaces.....I choose to immerse and soak myself in it and let the rays singe and touch every exposed part of me. I choose to love, be loved, each day in every way. I choose to revel in the feeling of owning a precious treasure, and of being owned, collared and cherished and endlessly wanted. I choose love over the dregs of poisoned bitterness that attempts to tait the pathway where love flows in and out of me. 

I guard and protect this pathway fiercely.

And so I in equal measure rebuke and reject all that is not lovingly thought, done and made. Life is too short to clutch onto toxicity. I choose to put as much distance to the babble of derision and disdain. I choose not to blunt the sharp edges of life’s dreams with both apathy and ill feelings as they add little or no spice and instead sour the sensations my short existence.

I am also inevitably trying to rid myself completely of the constant oppressive collusion of shame and regret. Shame is so shameless; always clouding my sunshine, capping my dreams, nipping my budding shoots, making me small and dampening my moods. Regret is always taking more time than I can afford, keeping me looped to a time warp of what will never be, crippling my hopes and pruning my ambitions with apprehension. I reject these companions completely each day.

And so I wish to love and be loved in huge spadefuls. I aim to say what I mean much quicker....And to let go of more than I can bear.....I dismiss the constant disapproving gaze that follow my decisions.....I step away from hatefulness; I choose to reject those who are ashamed of me and who pull me to drown in their tumultuous seas of regret. 

I choose, I live and then I die. 
That for me is life enough, no more no less, just mine.


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