Diary Log of a Justice Warrior

Someone used the words justice warrior recently and something jolted inside me. I recognised the word that could easily describe in an all encompassing way, who I am. I am a warrior for justice... I stand up with conviction and attempt to fist pump in the air.

My left hip buckles with bolts of intense pain shooting through me and this faltered my movement. I saw a faint shadow of me fall on the window glass.... it surprised me at first so I peered again closer because my brain took a moment to recognise its own reflection... The staring led me to squint and lean forward collapsing my posture somewhat and with it the resolve that shot me up from my seat in the first place. 

This wasn’t very justice warrior like and I shuffled back indoors. The bright of the sun-rays crept in falling on the full length mirror by the corridor. The light startled me as I walked past my reflection. I stopped short and settled my gaze on my eyes first. While my face was free of expression I did not miss the sad inside my eyes....I looked on as my hand left my side to touch my wild hair I suddenly feel felt despair, my fingers quickly dropped to my cheek and to circle the new zit on the centre of my chin. 

I faltered. 

My gaze roved down the mirror seeing the heave of my chest and my hand cupped the mound of my breast wondering if I should wear a bra to lift the sag....I slouched both inward and outward as I surrendered to the awareness of my pain and feelings of inadequacy.

justice warrior... 

the words were so small they got lost in my throat.

Sigh.......

I closed my eyes for a second to slow the threat of tears. 

In the loudness of my pain and unsureness I remembered my training...I reached out and pulled the only tool I could access in my inner-work survival kit.

 I took a breath. 

I breathed innnnnnn all the way in 

and..

I breathed ouuutttttt all the way out... and released.

The air felt like a sip of cold water on a hot day so I hankered for more. I kept my eyes closed and took a series of breaths I opened myself like a thirsty traveller stumbling upon a fountain...

my inner voice took over and whispered life into me...

Breathing in.....I feel wholeness and life coursing through my entire body

Breathing out...... I feel tender sensations like a loving embrace enveloping my entire being....

I was surprised by the results. I felt a slight loosening. Not wanting to let go of the tide of my awareness I dove into a series of breaths while planted in-front of the mirror eyes remaining shut...

Breathing in .... Sent spadefuls of loving gentleness to caress me inside and out

Breathing out....I feel a softening easing back of tensions that immobilised me.

Breathing in.....I recalled past and present pain tenderly reminding myself I had other choices at hand 

Breathing out...I whispered tenderly to my wounded-self that I need not suffer more. 

Breathing in....I send bursts of energy to infuse and recharge all of me

Breathing out.... the tired lethargic pain-filled energy pull its way and separates itself from me....

Breathing in....I feel a fresh robustness rooted strong steadily under my feet

Breathing out.... I unfold straighten more confident that the ground underneath me will hold.

Breathing in....in my stillness I am aware of change and movement of my perceptions

Breathing out....I too have the ability to shift and change as fluidly attentively and as compassionately. 

Breathing in.... I have the ability to grasp the reigns of my mind, my body and my actions 

Breathing out.... my life journey is filled with possibilities, kindness and forgiveness of self and others...

Breathing in ....my only real offering in this world are my words, thoughts and deeds

Breathing out... I embody this purpose in all my actions with gentleness...

The world pauses.... but my breathing remains a steady stream that connects me to everything. My breath rides with me and brings me back to the present...the familiarity of here and my awareness brings me home in-front of the mirror where I never really left.  I enter the here and now with a marked newness. I steady myself with a few more breaths and ever so slowly I peel my eyes open.... 

The mirrored me looking back cannot hide the transformation. I touch my afro and there exists a fondness of my untamed mane...I feel my curves, my bumps my bits and bobs .... I feel myself and then begin to sway this way and that to the music clearing my head of its fogginess....and when the moment feels right and my hand smooths over all of me leaving gentle doses of love... 

I stand to attention and give a look into the eyes and shout all serious like...

I am a JUSTICE WARRIOR.

And my eyes replied with a quiet recognition and a twinkle. A promise she (still) lives....