Pandemic Panic Pause Release

Wow what a year... and before I fall into pandemic cliches ‘in these strange times’ all I can say in a very loaded way is its been an intense journey. One filled with unexpected moments, lessons some very painful. I have hesitated until now to share my thoughts because one minute to the next I oscillate from sheer panic and dread to an unsettling calm acceptance and somehow words felt inadequate to capture these convoluted experiences...

But as we kick into the last quarter of this year with a sured-ness that life as we know it will never really be the same... I have a new sense of stillness sitting at the pit of my belly as we brace to face what comes ahead. 

For a while, when the world was out of order I misplaced some my internal bearings and anchors that helped me process my strong emotions and difficulties...I felt paralysed to access my usual outlets of art and expression, prayer, movement and meditation.... and my introverted ways easily shifted into being hermitty and almost feral avoiding and cutting off social contact unless under duress or for work... and I started loosing sleep.... the isolation was gut wrenching.

Aside from dealing with the pandemic, this has also been a year of many changes... I changed jobs, this as I think about it, is a much welcomed adjustment to a new, very hectic yet exciting chapter of my life...I feel incredibly grateful to have something to do that I am deeply passionate about. Also, my suitcases are in storage laying unused for months on end for the first time in 7 years. The lockdowns and travel restrictions have anchored me home and while I enjoy being on the road...its been great feeling rooted for an extended period of time. I have been immeasurably grateful to be with my loved ones as well. We now call each other ‘pandemic partners...’ Staying close and somewhat closed with loved ones and community has given me deeper respect and love for my neighbours and my nearest and dearest. I am nothing without them.

Out of this whole experience I recently finally found some courage and my feet to venture outside more to take long walks and hiking trails every day....each day my strides are getting surer and stronger, and my body less lethargic after the stint of sedentary life imposed on it lately. I am a bit more confident to reconnect with people again while keeping physically distanced... While I navigate to find the sense normalcy (whatever that looks and feels like) of daily mundane village life. My goal is build my fitness and strength to try longer and more challenging solo hikes in many popular sites in my bucket list. I am excited for that, and its been a while since I felt permission to feel excited for the future.

A couple of other things have shifted this year as well.... I reconnected with reading voraciously again. My romance with the world spun by books and stories rekindled this year after a long hiatus... 

The pandemic forced me to rethink my relationship with time and I reclaimed whole parts of my day to take care of my needs...my mind, body, soul and heart...I am discovering, learning and remembering the joys of pausing, of stillness and finding new hobbies and picking up old interests I gave up when my life got cluttered with busy-ness and stress...I spend lesser time on the phone and TV and my off days are mine to do as I please and not chained to never ending work. 

I am taking more time to cook, clean, declutter, give attention to the garden and unfinished DYI projects that lay inactive for years... Time slowed down, ground to a halt in some instances... and my relationship with time and the anxiety of a fast paced life is no more.... I now make realistic targets for work, tasks and responsibilities that have made me more reliable on what I can and will deliver.....I have also learnt to say and embody the word NO...and now more than ever I also give as much importance to my downtime to read, play and rest. It feels good to claim agency and unapologetic re-evaluation of the priorities in my life. 

All in all I can really say that the year threw us some sharp lessons to ponder on our sense of humanity. Many have paid dearly with their lives, wellbeing and livelihoods. I hope the lessons we draw from this bring us closer to bridge the gaps that exist amongst us...For those who come out the other side of this pandemic, I hope we can foster ways to manifest love and kindness much more.. I hope we can be better at placing care at the centre of how we conduct leadership, how we live life, how we love, conduct our business..... I hope we can be better...gentler to ourselves and to each other...Let hope for this together ...