Resist Oppression and Oppressing, or Die Trying.

self portrait - some Sunday, 2017

I just realised today how immeasurable time is. There is simply never enough time it seems to exhaustively say or do something anything right these days really.... I feel like life has whizzed past and there have been many vivid moments I recall, but on the whole it is hard to imagine my life at the face of four decades ... where did time go? It went like a flash....

As I stop and take a moment to appreciate life; I feel my bare heels sink and dig into the ground a little more firmly now. I am more protective and deeply appreciative of everything around me; the colors, the textures, the moments, the feelings. I say to myself, wow awesome, I wish I could stop and pay more attention to this now that I see how valuable and beautiful life's experience can be. Most times though, there are so many competing pressures nudging or pulling me aside that I quickly snap out of the musing.

Some of you may know that I psyche up for night school most weeknights and plan to do so for the next few years...and I work full time and go to university part time; and whoaaaa it is not easy. But I have such a thirst to learn and grow and only so little time to go around. This often means I have less time for socializing, or falling into place in the traditional roles most of us are accustomed to more than we care to admit (read as being specific to women and how to be "good" wives, mothers, loving attentive girlfriends, more available etc etc…)...

My life in many ways still gets preoccupied with the things girls/women who reject the "comforts of normativity" to get ahead with life pursuits. So being a "good teen mother", identifying as bisexual, being a "good wife and partner" and resisting the push and pull of society as to what "good" looks and feels like has not been an easy journey.  And it has to be said that placing this “goodness” that women are force to exemplify, alongside the parallel of for instance non-existent and absentia fathers, husbands and boyfriends who get about doing whatever without the denigrating scorn and commentary of society is such a huge double standard…

I often feel like I have no business being where I am clueless facing the big bad world with nothing but common sense and stubbornness to survive. But well we go about life differently and each way is still valid.

I recall the battering on all sides about all kinds of things when it comes to my time and choices....mostly about what I did, or didn't do, or what is wrong with me...or what I did not do enough of...

Like time, when it comes to choices women are plagued with the wide varying (often unreasonable) expectations of others. The force of this leads many of us to live lives that are so dependent on others that soon we cannot recognize ourselves. When we look at the mirror we only see the measure of expectations of our family, friends, influencers and slowly we erase ourselves so much so, we cannot remember who we want to be. But it is understandable why we relent, our choices are questioned, manipulated and tainted with self doubt. It is far easier not to live, but to perform a life we think others will approve of, invest in and underwrite.....we become shells and slaves of who society thinks we should be, and we will still get battered for it as the aspirations of society are fleeting and insular.

Growing up I did not know what I wanted, I tried to leave that as blank as possible hoping my vivid imagination and zest for life would stumble upon an interesting path.

What I did know however is that I did not want to live in societal shackles. I did not want to look back overcome by regret. I did not want to perform my life for others. I did not want to preoccupy myself with people who constantly berate and put me down. I did not want my existence and sustenance to be dependent on the vague indulgences of another soul or institution. I did not want to constantly try to please because one cannot chase and catch clouds successfully.

Actually what I want is to live and breathe...free of these narrow confines and do it (unapologetically) go to the ends of the earth to escape these shackles.

And so it is important to me to be ok with whom I am. I am a teenage mother, rape survivor and survivor of an abusive relationship. I am bisexual and I am student, a lover, a friend, a child, an adult, a teacher, a neighbor, a friend and I am enough. I have and will always dedicate myself to love, to learning, trying and second chances.

In the little time I have here I will do my part in resisting the construction that seeks to shame me into conformity of narrow societal spaces. The one that makes me feel inadequate about my choices as an African woman, as a mother, as a lover, or as the one that sneakily suggests that I may have been responsible for the abuse I endured. The one that seeks to shame my sexuality. The one that seeks to shame my body and the choices I make. The one that shames me especially as a woman about the dreams and pursuits I desire for myself; as though it is selfish to want to grow learn and build oneself. The one that shames me for my time and my choices on things I want and do.

This not withstanding I acknowledge that there are responsibilities we individually have that root and ground us. Pursuing one's dream though should not be totally eclipsed by our social obligations. I am actually suggesting that we are more functional humans in society if there is room to dream and grow. I feel fortunate to have recognized this and fiercely protected my dream to grow. I did this not because I am strong but because I had by my side truly wonderful beings who may not have understood my pursuits but that my wants and desires were important enough for them to support me no matter what. 

But why do I say this? I say this hoping that beyond my life I hope these words find themselves to someone who is in a crisis of self. I hope I catch you in time to go look at the mirror again and ask if you recognise the person you are evolving into...or is the reflection on the mirror an performance to please everyone but yourself? If you want, there is still time and choice, there always is... there is still room for you to find yourself to attempt to be who you always wanted to be. Our dreams and hopes are always within our grasp.... just reach put and touch it and never let anything or anyone penetrate that happy place you call your own. Do not let your pursuit of happiness be weighed down by anyone or anything. Make that transformative step - big or small to live outside the confines of people who bringing you down...do not continue to let them underwrite and fund your life because they will continue to have a hold on you. And, in the very same breath NEVER take on to support someone who has no respect for you...do not be a safety net of negativity and toxicity.

Live and die on your own terms. Do not fear frailty, or vulnerability and do not use it as a weapon you wield over others.

Life is too short, instead; Resist oppression and oppressing, or die trying.