Going about the rigours of the day I sometimes have a minute to ask, why am I here?
And what is the meaning of my life?
Reflection, love and melancholy are particularly close companions when I am preoccupied with these thoughts. When faced by deep-seated emotions, my mind often traipses into a series of philosophical questions.
And then when I consider the universe; its vast open spaces, wide and limitless. I am fascinated by how inexhaustible it seems.
As I weave through this journey we call life, pore through books, listen to stories, immerse myself in learning, appreciate creativity and I realise just how little I know.
It is also increasingly apparent to me how trivial I am amid the immeasurable nothingness and everything-else of the cosmos; and if science is to be believed, even when my tiny mind struggles to fathom our galaxy, it is only a speck of dust in the immensity of this universe.
I see deeply how truly small I am in the scale of things and this puts my life and all the things in it into perspective.
When I ask, why am I here? I humbly discovered that my voice, thoughts, ramblings and embodiment of myself is unlikely to vibrate with any semblance of significance in this mammoth world of space.
And then there is time to consider.
I extend my self-reflections to ask, why am I here NOW?
One just needs to look back at the space of time to know that the countless eras that extended to what we perceive as now and it is often is distorted and perceived different from one person or place or city to the next…I commonly feel that significant or important of times experienced have happened elsewhere (or rather, anywhere but where I stand); or perhaps happened prior to me and my existence and this often leads me to self doubt and question who I am and why I exist.
Well for the future, what can I say except nothing except can cure the mystery and curiosity of the unknown except the surety of hindsight; everything else in my view is placebo effect to make us feel better about preparing for the 'yet to happen unspecified encounters....'
And lastly, when the frailty of my body and mind cracks to the surface and I am faced with my vulnerabilities, once again I ask myself WHY…why am I here only to face so much suffering and turmoil…it can seem somewhat wasteful living my life through lying back in pain.
So purpose, space, time are common preoccupations of my thoughts.
But I have been thinking lately that I sometimes focus so much on understanding this that life, moments and experiences pass me by and go unobserved.
Standing amongst millions of souls I easily and often get lost in the fray of survival and choose to keep my head low.
Standing at a moment of time where I feel worthless and this can be so paralysing.
Standing to appreciate frankly the unimportance and perhaps caustic nature of humankind in the massiveness of nature and my contributions in to this.
And so to calm my delicate heart I choose to look inward and focus on my life, its path and the feelings it invokes in me that fill me up.
I narrow my universe to the range of time I exist in it in this present consciousness and form…and I appreciate it deeply.
Everything and everyone I touch and who touches me is a significant part of my world.
The web of life and purpose I weave is informed by a mix of the calculated, spontaneous, unplanned, creative, unhindered, good, bad, ugly, difficult, beautiful, excruciating experiences that fall on my path.
Through this, I have found a new and centred calming on what I hope to do and achieve, and how…
In this world of mine, seconds or minutes do not measure my time; instead I focus on moments – long or short is virtual; in its stead significance and meaning is my true measure.
In this world I have created the people I encounter who have touched me – to hurt or uplift me are all significant.
In this world, every colour I see, every texture I touch, every taste I experience, every emotion I feel, every sound I hear is important. All the words and actions I conjure, act upon and summon bring form and shape to something I hope to leave behind to those who outlive me…or come after me..
In this way, in this tiny little way I profoundly appreciate life.
I see now that my journey of life, long or short, easy or hard is essential to me.
It is a gift.
You and you and you in my life are gifts because you touch me in a way that lays its imprint on me.
If you choose to hurt me you will scar me, if you opt love me you will mark me too. If you choose to make my life difficult or easy I will not remain unblemished. But whatever these makes are only form a part of me.
If my body is under attack and falls prey to the vulnerabilities of illness, it will dent me…yes it will, it may even subjugate me to stop and take a moment to catch my breath…it may altogether stop my breath and separate my body from my soul…
But, even that would not restrict the definition of who I am and what my purpose is.
What I am therefore saying (to myself mostly) is this life and all that it brings with it is a gift. I want to remember this when I am down, or sad, or weak.
I also want to remember this when I am happy, loved and content.
And I want to especially remember this when I transition to the next phase of my life….I am very very lucky to experience all these gifts that make me who I am….and I hope in my little time here in this way, I can find myself to be a gift for you – even a tiny little one…it is all I can offer, and it is me.