Violence Should Not Live Here

For many women-identifying queer-folk, finding and folding in queer spaces is so emancipating. These are spaces to finally breathe, free from constant hostile heterosexist gaze and oppressiveness. In spaces like this love is radical and nurturing and fostered deliberately to undo tightly woven misogynistic arrays – It is women loving other women as a political act.

These spaces quickly become a vital life-link for so many who have are broken and battled with rejection, isolation, prejudice, violence and shaming our bodies, identities of non-normative-ness. Queer spaces especially those embracing feminist ideals are viewed as sacred, intense and revolutionary.  More importantly, these spaces are considered safe.

Queer spaces morph into our chosen family, our tribe and the place we metamorphose into a validated, transformed, empowered version of ourselves.

Sadly, not all queer spaces are safe.

Sometimes queer spaces end up replicating the same toxic oppressions of violence we are constantly challenging and rejecting externally. And what’s more, it is far easier to call out lateral oppression and violence and turn a blind eye when violence, abuse and oppression occurs within our ‘safe queer spaces.’

There is a struggle in overtly admitting abuse within queer spaces, be it in public or private interactions as it is occasionally conflated with notions of ‘internalised homophobia’ and a betrayal of the queer community.

But it is important to find ways to have uncomfortable conversations to shift misconceptions about violence and abuse and within the queer spaces because it unfortunately does happen.Queer spaces are too small and intimate to ignore the non-consensual invasions of our bodies, our minds and our experiences with each other. How safe is a queer space if it ignores any kind of introspection?

We normalise ranting because, we are (justifiably) angry and outraged by the violent violations on our bodies by hegemonic gendered violence. But how often do we think about the impact constant (and justifiable) anger has on us? What checks and balances do we put in place to ensure that we do not let our anger be a blanket excuse for being violent and abusive to other queer women.

We are thirsty and happy to find and build communities and find solace, love and camaraderie from queer folk that we forget that these spaces if unchecked can maintain the same oppressive violations we are battling against ‘out there.’ It is so much easier to ‘take down’ a homophobic or transphobic troll than it is to challenge ‘on of our own.’ We do not want to betray our own…we prefer not to get involved than to ‘waste one’s time’ arguing about ‘non-issues.’  And so, just like neighbours listening or witnessing a physical or verbal altercations, we just move along averting our eyes because ‘it is non of our business’, ‘we do not understand the politics’, ‘it’s a personal matter’, ‘we have not heard both sides’ and we let violence just happen. Much like a collective ‘community shrug’ we put distance, walk away, silently watch and refuse to get involved. We are unlikely to confront and stop in its tracks abuse and aggression within queer spaces because we do not want to seem like we are bad mouthing each other.

In any progressive space we must be able to nurture and invite dissent. Realizing queer spaces that are inclusive means we need to take responsibility create room for discussion, and these spaces should be respectful all around. The name calling, interrupting each other, putting each other down and disruptive behaviour should be eradicated. It is important to honour diversity by ensuring that no matter how much you disagree with an opinion, everyone has an entitlement to their own point of view. Love and respect can exist even in sharp dissenting spaces.

Abuse and violence is often typified by silence all around - from those who fall prey to violations because they are shamed or unsure they will be believed, but also silence from those around them observing and averting their eyes lumping them as ‘personal and private matters between those concerned.’  Violence is not a personal experience, but a social epidemic that affects the entire community. We may not have personally experienced violence ourselves but in order to interrupt it we must part of an active solution and standing up and respecting the rights of our fellow queerfolk. My hope is that women cherish and protect queer spaces and take the personal and collective responsibility of preserving, supporting and fostering this refuge. It starts by pledging to actively reject violence, abuse and anything that undermines our spaces, bodies and community, let us start by acknowledging our individual roles.

 Wish List to Reject a Culture of Violence in Queer Women Spaces

• That we as queer folk acknowledge and name the violence and abuse in our spaces, relationships and interactions.
• That we as queer folk muster the courage to desire and strive to embody the values and principles we seek on justice and equality.
• That we are as outraged when abuse occurs from within the community as it does from external perpetrators.
• That we never be part of dismissing, minimising, trivialising abuse meted out because a queer woman perpetrates it.
• That we as queer-folk never assume just because we are in a queer space, it is devoid of prejudice and discrimination.
• Debunking the notion that men solely perpetrate misogyny and that women are incapable of derogatory expressions and perspectives of fellow women.
• That we stop being silent observers as our queer people are bullying and getting bullied.